Because everyone knows the danger of pregnancy hormones behind the wheel

....



....


REALLY?
A 7-month-pregnant woman was apparently okay to be tased THREE TIMES (they like their unborn babies well done) by Seattle Police because- and let's review here-
*her car was OFF and her keys on the floor.
*she didn't want to sign a speeding ticket for 12 mph over the school zone limit. Not like they can send those, anyway. Oh, wait...
*she maybe could've possibly perhaps picked up the keys from around her PREGNANT BELLY (obviously the ruling judges have never been pregnant) like a ninja, turned her car on, and sped off all crazy-hormonal like. Then again, if I tell an officer I've don't know how fast he thought I was going, that must mean I'll go off the handle at any moment if he tells me the speed he gauged. Therefore, I must be tased!!

I would love to see that appealed. LOVE. IT.


Oh, and for any Seattle PD that might ever read this, umm... don't forget to add my dripping sarcasm tone when narrating in your head that line I wrote about how I must be tased. Because I was sarcastic. Ohh... crap... that could lead to rage-like anger, right?...
Here's the story on msn.com

OMG WTF CAPSWHORE!

I can have a great, happy, funtastic day at work, until:

"HEY CAN YOU DO BLAH BLAH BLAH FOR ME MY SON HAS BLAH BLAH AND HE NEEDS SOMETHING DONE AT BLAH BLAH PLACE SO IF YOU CAN GET THAT DONE FOR HIM THAT WOULD BE GREAT THANK YOU"

This, of course, is not exactly what any particular person said, but I'm soo not using much imagination here. I don't understand why people can't lay off the caps lock, even after so many PSAs of different sorts have already addressed the issue! I'll still help the person out, of course, but begrudgingly so!

And then... the lack of punctuation. So. Much. Lacking. Yes, I threw a few, unnecessary bits of punctuation in here to compensate for that caps paragraph lacking it completely. Would you say I'm hoarding punctuation due to my momentary deprivation of such? I think so.

I swear that those people get to me wayyy to easily. It's nerdy rage.

Cleaning up- Missionary style

I'm pretty frickin annoyed at all the missionaries that flock to every disaster possible. I mean, it's good for people to want to help, but come ON!! Don't taint your efforts with an underlying desire to convert people to your religion!! If you're there to help organize relief efforts, such as groups in Haiti, how about you do it without naming your religious group? Oooh, have you guys ever considered that doing something to show people the awesomeness of your clique does NOT make your actions selfless? It actually means you have an AGENDA.
How about coming up with some generic name for your missionary group that totally removes any mention of a religion or deity? Ooooohh... such a concept for people who are supposedly only trying to help others, right?
Whaaaaaaaaaa? You mean you can give people in need food and water without promoting your cause? Like... people can be just. plain. NICE?
Weird...

Vegas = Needy Bitch

OMG... seriously... Vegas got its showgirl thong in a bunch.

Apparently, they can't stand that Obama ever tells busineses to not use taxpayer-funded bailout money to have retreats to Vegas, or suggests people saving for a college education not blow that money in Vegas.

"You don't go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage," Obama said. "You don't blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you're trying to save for college. You prioritize. You make tough choices."

Umm... did NO ONE ELSE notice he also said people shouldn't buy a frickin boat when barely able to pay their mortgage? Awwww, snap, guess he just hurt the boating industry, as well! Too bad; I was totally about to drop cash on a 61-ft-yacht I saw the other day...

Oh, wait... where ARE the news stories about the boat industry bitching...? Just Vegas? Really?

He TRIED fixing it, but of course Vegas tards are being pissy: "I was making the simple point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun," Obama said, according to the letter released by Reid's office. "There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country's great destinations."

But Vegas is like, noooooo, people have a right to spend their "hard-earned vacation dollars" here if they want.

DURR, Vegas! Obama isn't disputing that! He says he loves you! Quit being a needy bitch already! There's a difference between "hard-earned vacation dollars" and taxpayer-funded bailout money or college tuition! Are you guys going to get irritated as well at every financial counselor that advises Mr. and Mrs. WayInDebt to NOT go on a gambling spree instead of paying their bills? Hell, it's fine and dandy if they want to go and have the FUNDS available!

I say this, of course, after I just threw some credit at laser hair removal. But my spending, I promise, is for the good of all within viewing range of me in a bathing suit... so there.

My Sexy, Sasquatchian Self.. aka, Adventures in Laser Hair Removal

Quick FYI: If you are squeamish about reading of my crotchal regions..


        ...and I don't mean crotchal regions in general, but MY crotchal regions...


...then go no further. I mean it. Really.


Ha, okay, so it won't be THAT bad, but I'm totally going to delve into details about my upcoming experiences with laser hair removal at BriteSmile Medspa in Lynnwood, WA. I got a pretty killer deal through them for two areas, as well as having laser spider vein removal done for my legs, thanks to Jaden being in mah belly five years prior.


SWEET! Jaden will have to find other ways to get back at me.


Ohh.. wait... hmm... ADHD = awesome. Point, set, match to Jaden.


So anyway, this Saturday I start with the first of eight treatments on my underarms and my no-no regions, in the form of a Brazilian. Yes, that Brazilian. OMG, I'm going all aerodynamic down there... permanently.


I wonder if BriteSmile's aesthetician knows what she's getting into... Does the laser have a "flamethrower" setting?


All I know so far is that the sensation is supposedly like someone snapping a rubber band against your skin when the laser zaps the hair through some conductive gel. I giggled my way through four tattoos, so am pretty sure this will be fine and dandly-like.


I have to wait for some wandering veinmobile or some caca like that at the end of the month before doing my spider vein ablation. That's fine, since I heard my legs would be all poofy and domestic-violencey-looking for a few days following the zapping. Oooh, that would be sexy for the Florida beach.


Did I mention I'm visiting fam in Florida next week? Yeah, should be good, non-poofy-legged times ;)


Also, I just called to verify with BriteSmile that I have to be freshly-shaved in advance of Saturday's appointment. Watch- I'll get there and they'll say, "Nooooooo! We need some length!" At which point I'll say, "K, go-go-gadget pubes!!"


At which point they may proceed.

(K... at least I'm not quite thaaaat bad...)

A Guidebook to Me

What follows are some corollaries to Murphy's Law.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.

In a Bar Buffet, Avoid the Veggies

I will start on a positive note: The show Thursday night at Club Motor was frickin awesome. Check out the lineup here. I was sooo sad to not be able to make it to the David Bowie tribute band the next night. Something about bringing a 4-year-old to a bar wouldn't sit so well with Seattleites.


Maybe Spokane, but NOT Seattle.


The event was catered by Backstage Catering. Well, obviously a guest appearance had been made by E. coli at some point. Should've left that dude off the list.

I think it was funny how I'd expected the AMF drink I'd been handed to be the downfall of my digestive tract. Within the next several hours, HORRIBLE things started happening. I'd been a victim of the Long Island Express once or twice, so pretty much assumed the multiple alcohols of AMF had done the trick.


After suffering the entire next day, I spoke with a friend who had been at the show with me... and realized he'd been feeling the same way allll day. Hmm... but he had NO alcohol...

Ahh, but he DID have the same batch of broccoli as I!


Sigh... Thanks, Backstage Catering or whichever bar patron decided a little ass fungus was a fantastic dish to serve.

State of DisUnion

I'm watching the State of the Union address, and have noticed some things:


1. It's hilarious watching Biden and Pelosi try to decide if they should give a standing ovation at every point President Obama makes.
2. It is also apparently known within the chambers that if Obama talks about something awesome in which a specific person or group was directly involved, they are not to be the first person/people to applaud themselves. I was watching for anyone to stand promptly for their own good deed, though. "YEAHH! Obama says I'm AWESOME!!"
3. I totally saw the dad from the Clueless series in the audience during the last 20 minutes. Put "seat filler" on his resume.

K, Gov. Bob McDonnell, for the Republican Hot Air... I mean, Response... Yeah, the stimulus last year promised extra jobs, and it delivered... in certain areas. The jobs that were LOST were usually ones that were not part of the sectors that gained jobs. Some companies merely held on to their employees as long as humanly possible prior to letting them go out of financial desperation. Durr.

Also, here's another issue: More companies are hiring temps instead of permanent employees. When a person was unemployed for months, or beyond a year, they have more likelihood of being hired as a temp than by shining in a job interview. A person with fantastic credentials and job performance, let go for budget issues, will be overlooked for someone who has been much more recently employed. Soo... they go the temp route. Then, the temps are let go, rehired elsewhere, etc, until a place hopefully retains them permanently.

Not like I know of this directly. Noooo... Kinda skews the numbers.

And regarding another thing he mentioned: Our healthcare system is soooo not the best in the world. Eww.

Pay anything less than $100/month for insurance for your kid, and you still usually have a minimum $1000 deductible, plus likely some crazy copays and coinsurances. Sooo many jobs require people to pay $300-ish per month to add even a single dependent. 

Yeah... plus half the people who work in medical billing are morons, and half in insurance processing are also of the moronic variety, so THAT is why your claim gets denied for something stupid, like when some doofus billed you as having female breast cancer when you're a GUY (yes, there are different, standardized codes for that), or because they said you're the subscriber on a plan when you're really a spouse or dependent. All YOU hear is that your claim was denied by your insurance... not why, most of the time. This applies to private insurance, as well as Medicare and Medicaid.

Yeah. Best healthcare system in the world.

OMG, and he's talking more about how healthcare is peachy and all, but individual Americans helping each other is even more spiffy?

REALLY?

Yeah, he tried tying that to Haiti, but way to basically tell people that if the government can't help, you better rely on your neighbor. Ha. Because your neighbor better be a cardiologist who does house calls... and has plenty of hand sanitizer available.

Link Placement FAIL!

OMG, just had to share this horrible, sad, hilariously wrong placement of a link I found in the midst of a mobile CNN.com news story about Haiti:

(my Samsung Behold, nom nom)

...Well... If they're not on listed in the link...

My Sexy, Sasquatchian Self

I'm finally not so on my deathbed that I can blog without passing out within two sentences. Some would just call it a cold- I call it an impending head implosion.


Last fall, I signed up for Groupon. Amazing day-long deals of so many sorts!! I totally insist you join. Yep. Pretty much. Here's the list of some of the recent deals.

One such deal was $185 for any of nine Brite Smile treatment packages. Thanks to my father's side of the family, I was eyeballing the laser hair removal packages, valued up to $1,197. OMG, YAY, no more furriness!!


I'm pretty sexy right about now, huh?


Here's the prob I discovered right away: I'm a redhead, and almost any body hair is reallllllly light-colored. So light, in fact that the frickin laser beams can't see enough pigment to do anything about removing the hair.


Awesome.


Waxing = hardly does a thing. Pretty much not worth the OMGOWWWWWW!!!
Creme hair removers = growth recurs within a couple days. Hardly worth the horrible, horrible chemical funk, Great for pranks involving conditioner, however.
Smooth Away = we'll see how the regrowth looks, but it took sooo much effort to half-clear one spot. I'd need a new box every time. Not ready to support that business single-handedly.
Nads = ...don't even get me started on that one. Goes great on toast, though.


So here's the thing... I bought four of those $185 Groupons, and now am thinking of using two of them for things like photofacials and whatnot. I will use the other two for specific laser hair treatments where pigment is darker, such as mah pits and girlie spots, so will be sure to give you a little TMI as it progresses. My legs, however, with their mutant, steel-like resistance, will continue to face the lawnmower.


You're welcome.

Ignorance Pt 3: FOOOOOOOD!!

Finally, at least for this topic (for now), is the issue of food ignorance. OMG... I once lived with someone whose mother was maybe 350 pounds, laid constantly in a water bed, chain smoked, and watched her soaps whilst running through a six-to-twelve-pack of Coke per day. Her daughters were starting to get pretty big, and this woman (who was otherwise very nice and good to me) had the ignorance to claim that large size is just a family genetic issue. Meanwhile, I watched them pan-fry sooo many things and eat more fatty substances than anyone would ever recommend... everrrrrrrrrrrrr.


By the way, this comes from someone who has bacon hanging from her rearview mirror and raids the grocery store after Christmas, Halloween, Easter, etc... DOOD, those Reester Bunnies/Reese's Hearts/Reese's Trees are tastier when CHEAP!

Why are chunky kids being fed bakery-sized donuts in line at the grocery store- instead of waiting long enough for the cashier to ring up the goodies- whilst Grand-mama (Duckman reference, ha) claims she just has a large family? WHY???? Lady, it's not a "glandular problem," it's a "hand-gravitating-to-mouth problem."


It is sad now that I also have to watch my intake, like opting for club soda instead of Pepsi, or putting down the fork when I'm full (what a concept!), but it's I NEVER want to be one of those people who complain about not being able to lose weight whilst ordering a large-sized value meal. When your fingers are too fat to reach into the fry box... it's time to stop.

OMG WTF GOD?

Check out this story on Yahoo.

"Search-and-rescue teams have emerged from the city's ruins with some improbable success stories - including the rescue of 69-year-old ardent Roman Catholic who said she prayed constantly during her week under the rubble.

Ena Zizi had been at a church meeting at the residence of Haiti's Roman Catholic archbishop when the Jan. 12 quake struck, trapping her in debris. On Tuesday, she was rescued by a Mexican disaster team.

Zizi said after the quake, she spoke back and forth with a vicar who also was trapped. But he fell silent after a few days, and she spent the rest of the time praying and waiting.

'I talked only to my boss, God,' she said. 'I didn't need any more humans.'

Doctors who examined Zizi on Tuesday said she was dehydrated and had a dislocated hip and a broken leg."

K... good thing she didn't feel she needed humans to rescue her... oh, wait... I mean, no humans necessary to examine her post-rescue... ohh... umm... hmmm...

Perhaps with THAT attitude, she should've kept waiting for a non-human to pull her from the rubble.

Ignorance Pt 2: Politics

Next up in front of the firing squad is political ignorance. People like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Lou Dobbs prey on those who don't compare sides before deciding who's not so full of shit. Let's look at the healthcare reform bill as one example.

Anyone who truly believes illegal immigrants can get free healthcare through Medicaid or any public option has obviously never read the laws/bill. If a person is here illegally, they only end up with benefits if they buy someone else's social security number... usually from an American who stole the ID's of other Americans.

OMG... remember THIS doozy? "Keep your government hands off my Medicare." Yeah, shouted at a town hall meeting last Summer in South Carolina. He even refused to listen when the rare Republican Rep who actually wasn't full of caca tried to explain that Medicare is already run by the government... and always has been. That ignorant fool at the meeting was hilariously WRONG... but the hilarity faded as I- and many others- realized a large portion of the country honestly thinks that way. Ugh.

Also, I challenge those who believe the government would "ration" healthcare to reallllly read the texts. Does it say anything about "rationing," or does it talk of "medical necessity?" Hmm... because INSURANCE COMPANIES have used "medical necessity" as a way to determine whether they'll pay a claim for YEARS now. If you go in for an MRI of your shoulder, your PRIVATE insurance will not pay if your radiologist's billing office asks for payment with the diagnosis code of knee pain. So, if you don't have a diagnosed problem with that shoulder, or if that billing office just codes it with a wrong number on your insurance claim (which happens OFTEN), then insurance won't pay. That's exactly what Medicare and Medicaid have also done for years, and that's what this "rationing" is really referring to.

See, I'm not debating necessarily the pros and cons of the bills floating about Congress. Nope, this is purely about making decisions based on what some fool on TV gets paid by insurance companies to say. So... READ before you believe some crazy caca on Fox News or elsewhere, or risk screwing up this country's progress more due to collective ignorance.

Ignorance Pt 1: Religion

I'm going to wander into dangerous territory here: Ignorance.

This is something that has plagued too many groups in America regarding three specific topics: Religion, politics, and food.

I'll start with religion in this post, but only because we may as well get out of the way the topic that will chase away the most readers. Why? Well, those who are truly ignorant will find this section offensive instead of stopping to think about the issue at hand. They are almost beyond hope, really, because they believe only what their religious texts and leaders say, anyway. This category, btw, pertains to ALL religions, as well as those who are atheist for realllllly dumb reasons.

Case in point: A family member of mine passed last year, and he was an awesome guy, by all accounts. He always helped out people as much as possible, hired those who he felt deserved a second chance (regardless of religion, methinks), and even treated his body like crap to make time for others. Well... he passed from a heart attack at 55- days after being baptised by oil. This man was never religious until two years prior, and who knows the reason? Family pressure? Faced with his mortality for whatever reason? Suddenly just liked being a part of something?

The point is that he was ALWAYS an awesome guy. With faults, of course, but so many of us are with those same faults and NOT otherwise awesome. We THINK we are of the awesome variety, but that's not the same. I have another family member, however, who told me our deceased family was "not perfect" until he became religious.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?

This living member, by the way, is basically an alcoholic, treats people like crap unless he's showing off, and potentially has a psychiatric condition that runs in part of the family. He also has religion-hopped to whatever best floats his boat and that of others around him, but not to something he truly believes. THIS is part of the ignorance of which I speak- a person believes they are better than another because they joined a religion.

Mind you, I'm of the belief that a person is good if they have an innate moral compass and don't rely on a book to know that treating people like crap is bad. But I'm not religious, so that means I'm still someone people feel they need to "pray for."

Breeding kids into religion without neutrally educating them on many options is also a way to breed ignorance. If an entire family is Christian, for example, and you are raised from birth as Christian, how likely are you to make an educated, non-biased decision for yourself as to whether it's what you believe vs. with what you were infused? I appreciate the few families that let their kids make their own choices in life without making them feel bad about such decisions that don't favor the parents.

Religion was mostly originated as a way to explain what we didn't understand before we had better ways to study that which surrounds us. How does the sun rise ever day? Well, durrr, the sun god Ra either was rebirthed every day or managed to defend his boat against a serpent who tried to consume it nightly. Sillies. It's not like that side of the planet, you know, spins away from the sun or something... But we LEARNED, and ACCEPTED the truth of how sunrises work... so why can't we accept other things?

And the biggest thing I attribute to religious ignorance is prayer. OMG (which is pretty hilarious of a saying for this piece)... I understand the idea of putting out positive thoughts and whatnot, but I've known people who honestly think they have ten kids because God blessed them. It has NOTHING to do with having lots of unprotected sex, of course. Nope. Blessings. Again...

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Oh, wait... maybe God gave them the sex drive at exactly the right times to conceive those children. If that's the case, then those 16-year-old moms of three at my work are truly divinely-blessed.

Prayer is fine, as long as a person understands that ACTION is how to get what they want. The weakest people I know are those who pray for strength instead of looking within their own self or seeking out solutions to their problems. They can be totally sweet otherwise, but daaamnn... I dare the next cancer victim to pray INSTEAD of seeking chemo or other treatments, and see if they actually recover. Then they can decide whether a deity or their physician is the one who truly deserves thanks.

"The prayers of my loved ones cured my cancer!"

"Uhh... noo... I think it had more to do with that lumpectomy or the chemo."

And now for a gratuitous pic of a praying kitty. Enjoy.