A Guidebook to Me

What follows are some corollaries to Murphy's Law.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.

In a Bar Buffet, Avoid the Veggies

I will start on a positive note: The show Thursday night at Club Motor was frickin awesome. Check out the lineup here. I was sooo sad to not be able to make it to the David Bowie tribute band the next night. Something about bringing a 4-year-old to a bar wouldn't sit so well with Seattleites.


Maybe Spokane, but NOT Seattle.


The event was catered by Backstage Catering. Well, obviously a guest appearance had been made by E. coli at some point. Should've left that dude off the list.

I think it was funny how I'd expected the AMF drink I'd been handed to be the downfall of my digestive tract. Within the next several hours, HORRIBLE things started happening. I'd been a victim of the Long Island Express once or twice, so pretty much assumed the multiple alcohols of AMF had done the trick.


After suffering the entire next day, I spoke with a friend who had been at the show with me... and realized he'd been feeling the same way allll day. Hmm... but he had NO alcohol...

Ahh, but he DID have the same batch of broccoli as I!


Sigh... Thanks, Backstage Catering or whichever bar patron decided a little ass fungus was a fantastic dish to serve.

State of DisUnion

I'm watching the State of the Union address, and have noticed some things:


1. It's hilarious watching Biden and Pelosi try to decide if they should give a standing ovation at every point President Obama makes.
2. It is also apparently known within the chambers that if Obama talks about something awesome in which a specific person or group was directly involved, they are not to be the first person/people to applaud themselves. I was watching for anyone to stand promptly for their own good deed, though. "YEAHH! Obama says I'm AWESOME!!"
3. I totally saw the dad from the Clueless series in the audience during the last 20 minutes. Put "seat filler" on his resume.

K, Gov. Bob McDonnell, for the Republican Hot Air... I mean, Response... Yeah, the stimulus last year promised extra jobs, and it delivered... in certain areas. The jobs that were LOST were usually ones that were not part of the sectors that gained jobs. Some companies merely held on to their employees as long as humanly possible prior to letting them go out of financial desperation. Durr.

Also, here's another issue: More companies are hiring temps instead of permanent employees. When a person was unemployed for months, or beyond a year, they have more likelihood of being hired as a temp than by shining in a job interview. A person with fantastic credentials and job performance, let go for budget issues, will be overlooked for someone who has been much more recently employed. Soo... they go the temp route. Then, the temps are let go, rehired elsewhere, etc, until a place hopefully retains them permanently.

Not like I know of this directly. Noooo... Kinda skews the numbers.

And regarding another thing he mentioned: Our healthcare system is soooo not the best in the world. Eww.

Pay anything less than $100/month for insurance for your kid, and you still usually have a minimum $1000 deductible, plus likely some crazy copays and coinsurances. Sooo many jobs require people to pay $300-ish per month to add even a single dependent. 

Yeah... plus half the people who work in medical billing are morons, and half in insurance processing are also of the moronic variety, so THAT is why your claim gets denied for something stupid, like when some doofus billed you as having female breast cancer when you're a GUY (yes, there are different, standardized codes for that), or because they said you're the subscriber on a plan when you're really a spouse or dependent. All YOU hear is that your claim was denied by your insurance... not why, most of the time. This applies to private insurance, as well as Medicare and Medicaid.

Yeah. Best healthcare system in the world.

OMG, and he's talking more about how healthcare is peachy and all, but individual Americans helping each other is even more spiffy?

REALLY?

Yeah, he tried tying that to Haiti, but way to basically tell people that if the government can't help, you better rely on your neighbor. Ha. Because your neighbor better be a cardiologist who does house calls... and has plenty of hand sanitizer available.

Link Placement FAIL!

OMG, just had to share this horrible, sad, hilariously wrong placement of a link I found in the midst of a mobile CNN.com news story about Haiti:

(my Samsung Behold, nom nom)

...Well... If they're not on listed in the link...

My Sexy, Sasquatchian Self

I'm finally not so on my deathbed that I can blog without passing out within two sentences. Some would just call it a cold- I call it an impending head implosion.


Last fall, I signed up for Groupon. Amazing day-long deals of so many sorts!! I totally insist you join. Yep. Pretty much. Here's the list of some of the recent deals.

One such deal was $185 for any of nine Brite Smile treatment packages. Thanks to my father's side of the family, I was eyeballing the laser hair removal packages, valued up to $1,197. OMG, YAY, no more furriness!!


I'm pretty sexy right about now, huh?


Here's the prob I discovered right away: I'm a redhead, and almost any body hair is reallllllly light-colored. So light, in fact that the frickin laser beams can't see enough pigment to do anything about removing the hair.


Awesome.


Waxing = hardly does a thing. Pretty much not worth the OMGOWWWWWW!!!
Creme hair removers = growth recurs within a couple days. Hardly worth the horrible, horrible chemical funk, Great for pranks involving conditioner, however.
Smooth Away = we'll see how the regrowth looks, but it took sooo much effort to half-clear one spot. I'd need a new box every time. Not ready to support that business single-handedly.
Nads = ...don't even get me started on that one. Goes great on toast, though.


So here's the thing... I bought four of those $185 Groupons, and now am thinking of using two of them for things like photofacials and whatnot. I will use the other two for specific laser hair treatments where pigment is darker, such as mah pits and girlie spots, so will be sure to give you a little TMI as it progresses. My legs, however, with their mutant, steel-like resistance, will continue to face the lawnmower.


You're welcome.

Ignorance Pt 3: FOOOOOOOD!!

Finally, at least for this topic (for now), is the issue of food ignorance. OMG... I once lived with someone whose mother was maybe 350 pounds, laid constantly in a water bed, chain smoked, and watched her soaps whilst running through a six-to-twelve-pack of Coke per day. Her daughters were starting to get pretty big, and this woman (who was otherwise very nice and good to me) had the ignorance to claim that large size is just a family genetic issue. Meanwhile, I watched them pan-fry sooo many things and eat more fatty substances than anyone would ever recommend... everrrrrrrrrrrrr.


By the way, this comes from someone who has bacon hanging from her rearview mirror and raids the grocery store after Christmas, Halloween, Easter, etc... DOOD, those Reester Bunnies/Reese's Hearts/Reese's Trees are tastier when CHEAP!

Why are chunky kids being fed bakery-sized donuts in line at the grocery store- instead of waiting long enough for the cashier to ring up the goodies- whilst Grand-mama (Duckman reference, ha) claims she just has a large family? WHY???? Lady, it's not a "glandular problem," it's a "hand-gravitating-to-mouth problem."


It is sad now that I also have to watch my intake, like opting for club soda instead of Pepsi, or putting down the fork when I'm full (what a concept!), but it's I NEVER want to be one of those people who complain about not being able to lose weight whilst ordering a large-sized value meal. When your fingers are too fat to reach into the fry box... it's time to stop.

OMG WTF GOD?

Check out this story on Yahoo.

"Search-and-rescue teams have emerged from the city's ruins with some improbable success stories - including the rescue of 69-year-old ardent Roman Catholic who said she prayed constantly during her week under the rubble.

Ena Zizi had been at a church meeting at the residence of Haiti's Roman Catholic archbishop when the Jan. 12 quake struck, trapping her in debris. On Tuesday, she was rescued by a Mexican disaster team.

Zizi said after the quake, she spoke back and forth with a vicar who also was trapped. But he fell silent after a few days, and she spent the rest of the time praying and waiting.

'I talked only to my boss, God,' she said. 'I didn't need any more humans.'

Doctors who examined Zizi on Tuesday said she was dehydrated and had a dislocated hip and a broken leg."

K... good thing she didn't feel she needed humans to rescue her... oh, wait... I mean, no humans necessary to examine her post-rescue... ohh... umm... hmmm...

Perhaps with THAT attitude, she should've kept waiting for a non-human to pull her from the rubble.

Ignorance Pt 2: Politics

Next up in front of the firing squad is political ignorance. People like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Lou Dobbs prey on those who don't compare sides before deciding who's not so full of shit. Let's look at the healthcare reform bill as one example.

Anyone who truly believes illegal immigrants can get free healthcare through Medicaid or any public option has obviously never read the laws/bill. If a person is here illegally, they only end up with benefits if they buy someone else's social security number... usually from an American who stole the ID's of other Americans.

OMG... remember THIS doozy? "Keep your government hands off my Medicare." Yeah, shouted at a town hall meeting last Summer in South Carolina. He even refused to listen when the rare Republican Rep who actually wasn't full of caca tried to explain that Medicare is already run by the government... and always has been. That ignorant fool at the meeting was hilariously WRONG... but the hilarity faded as I- and many others- realized a large portion of the country honestly thinks that way. Ugh.

Also, I challenge those who believe the government would "ration" healthcare to reallllly read the texts. Does it say anything about "rationing," or does it talk of "medical necessity?" Hmm... because INSURANCE COMPANIES have used "medical necessity" as a way to determine whether they'll pay a claim for YEARS now. If you go in for an MRI of your shoulder, your PRIVATE insurance will not pay if your radiologist's billing office asks for payment with the diagnosis code of knee pain. So, if you don't have a diagnosed problem with that shoulder, or if that billing office just codes it with a wrong number on your insurance claim (which happens OFTEN), then insurance won't pay. That's exactly what Medicare and Medicaid have also done for years, and that's what this "rationing" is really referring to.

See, I'm not debating necessarily the pros and cons of the bills floating about Congress. Nope, this is purely about making decisions based on what some fool on TV gets paid by insurance companies to say. So... READ before you believe some crazy caca on Fox News or elsewhere, or risk screwing up this country's progress more due to collective ignorance.

Ignorance Pt 1: Religion

I'm going to wander into dangerous territory here: Ignorance.

This is something that has plagued too many groups in America regarding three specific topics: Religion, politics, and food.

I'll start with religion in this post, but only because we may as well get out of the way the topic that will chase away the most readers. Why? Well, those who are truly ignorant will find this section offensive instead of stopping to think about the issue at hand. They are almost beyond hope, really, because they believe only what their religious texts and leaders say, anyway. This category, btw, pertains to ALL religions, as well as those who are atheist for realllllly dumb reasons.

Case in point: A family member of mine passed last year, and he was an awesome guy, by all accounts. He always helped out people as much as possible, hired those who he felt deserved a second chance (regardless of religion, methinks), and even treated his body like crap to make time for others. Well... he passed from a heart attack at 55- days after being baptised by oil. This man was never religious until two years prior, and who knows the reason? Family pressure? Faced with his mortality for whatever reason? Suddenly just liked being a part of something?

The point is that he was ALWAYS an awesome guy. With faults, of course, but so many of us are with those same faults and NOT otherwise awesome. We THINK we are of the awesome variety, but that's not the same. I have another family member, however, who told me our deceased family was "not perfect" until he became religious.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?

This living member, by the way, is basically an alcoholic, treats people like crap unless he's showing off, and potentially has a psychiatric condition that runs in part of the family. He also has religion-hopped to whatever best floats his boat and that of others around him, but not to something he truly believes. THIS is part of the ignorance of which I speak- a person believes they are better than another because they joined a religion.

Mind you, I'm of the belief that a person is good if they have an innate moral compass and don't rely on a book to know that treating people like crap is bad. But I'm not religious, so that means I'm still someone people feel they need to "pray for."

Breeding kids into religion without neutrally educating them on many options is also a way to breed ignorance. If an entire family is Christian, for example, and you are raised from birth as Christian, how likely are you to make an educated, non-biased decision for yourself as to whether it's what you believe vs. with what you were infused? I appreciate the few families that let their kids make their own choices in life without making them feel bad about such decisions that don't favor the parents.

Religion was mostly originated as a way to explain what we didn't understand before we had better ways to study that which surrounds us. How does the sun rise ever day? Well, durrr, the sun god Ra either was rebirthed every day or managed to defend his boat against a serpent who tried to consume it nightly. Sillies. It's not like that side of the planet, you know, spins away from the sun or something... But we LEARNED, and ACCEPTED the truth of how sunrises work... so why can't we accept other things?

And the biggest thing I attribute to religious ignorance is prayer. OMG (which is pretty hilarious of a saying for this piece)... I understand the idea of putting out positive thoughts and whatnot, but I've known people who honestly think they have ten kids because God blessed them. It has NOTHING to do with having lots of unprotected sex, of course. Nope. Blessings. Again...

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Oh, wait... maybe God gave them the sex drive at exactly the right times to conceive those children. If that's the case, then those 16-year-old moms of three at my work are truly divinely-blessed.

Prayer is fine, as long as a person understands that ACTION is how to get what they want. The weakest people I know are those who pray for strength instead of looking within their own self or seeking out solutions to their problems. They can be totally sweet otherwise, but daaamnn... I dare the next cancer victim to pray INSTEAD of seeking chemo or other treatments, and see if they actually recover. Then they can decide whether a deity or their physician is the one who truly deserves thanks.

"The prayers of my loved ones cured my cancer!"

"Uhh... noo... I think it had more to do with that lumpectomy or the chemo."

And now for a gratuitous pic of a praying kitty. Enjoy.

Two Hosts, One Cup... of STFU.

Lenoooo, why won't you just GO AWAY?

I realize times are tight, and heaven forbid you have to slow down on car purchases, but just let go of NBC! Remember that you did sign something six years ago, promising you'd end your own run on the Tonight Show and pass it to Conan O'Brien. Guess that deal should have also clarified whether that Tonight Show would stay at the same time slot it has held for 60 years... Sneaky, sneaky Chin.

Now, NBC gets to pay Conan $30 mil because he's going buh-bye rather than allow NBC to foul up the lineup. In fact, he's so fed up that he put the show up for sale on Craigslist, potentially in exchange for Coldplay tickets. I think he's right to not roll over, and Leno just needs to admit that when he ended his run on Tonight Show, that milquetoast humor he'd developed was really not good enough for 10:00pm. It was something I'd noticed from the first week watching The Jay Leno Show, but it's laaame how Leno would rather blame NBC than accept responsibility.

So.... here's your cup o' STFU, Leno, as you screwed up your own show and were not the type of content people could enjoy as well as the days of scripted dramas. When you lost the ratings game, you seriously should NOT have tried bringing Conan O-Brien and Jimmy Fallon down with you.

For my next steamy cup o' STFU, I look in the direction of Rush Limbaugh. While others are busy coming together to donate money, supplies, and time to aid the victims of the 7.0 earthquake in Haiti, he's saying ignorant caca like that donating to Haitian relief will only get a person on Obama's e-mail list, or that such funds will stay in the White House, or that donating THROUGH the White House means Obama will have one more reason to eliminate the "charitable deduction" on income tax filings.

Ummm... didn't Rush know that Whitehouse.gov directs people to the Clinton-Bush Haiti Fund? That donates to either the William J. Clinton Foundation or the Communities Foundation of Texas, which, as designated, are funds used for relief efforts. So yeahh.... the White House's website tells people to donate to those two nonprofits, NOT to the White House.

Also, he claims Obama's just seeking favor with the black community by acting quickly on Haiti vs. waiting a few days to discuss the Undahpants Bomber on Christmas Eve. Yeah, because more people stood to suffer and die horribly if he didn't respond within hours of a failed bombing attempt that left the guy in custody. Just as time-sensitive as Haiti, where people continue to perish from dehydration, easily-curable but now-fatal injuries, and soon... disease.

For that, Rush, I cheerily offer you a piping hot cup o' STFU. I suggest you stir in your cream or sugar with your face.

How Does She Have A PAYCHECK?!?!

I almost lost my job this week. Awesome.


Some twit- let's call her Dingbat McLazyass- showed up at noon Tuesday. A coworker walked her to my desk, telling me at THAT moment I was to train Dingbat.


Whaaaaa??


I honestly thought for a moment that another coworker, who had trained me into my position before I built it up, was being replaced as she happened to be out that day. Later, I was to find she'd been ill. Anyway, I started getting a feel for Dingbat, and learned she knows no medical terminology, has no clue what any tests are, and said she could Google whatever she doesn't understand. Because you know you'd be confident about going to a clinic where its staff had to Google every other word you said. "Ummm, waaaiiit, I need to see what a 'mammogram' is..."


Yeah... THAT unqualified.


And she was to take over MY position, I soon learned. BALLZ of so many sorts!!


Granted, I'm a temp, and not related to anyone on the rez, so I'm disposable. But to be replaced by THAT?!?!?!?! My head hurt within five minutes of training Dingbat. I almost YouTubed an episode of Sesame Street to build her up to the average high school diploma level.


One of the first things she said was that she got the job because she was transferred semi-randomly from her previous position... after declining to sign an agreement that she would abstain from drugs and alcohol while employed. That's a GREAT sign, btw... especially when you work with a population who is massively dealing with substance abuse issues. On the first and second days of her new job, she vanished CONSTANTLY for hours on end if I started teaching anything or asked her to look up a big, scary word... like "arthroscopic..." or "referral..."


Anyway, long story short, this chick totally started snapping at me during training by the second day, which pretty much cheered me up. Can you say, "job security?" Yeahh... by the third day, she was eager to be anywhere BUT at my desk. Sweet. I think my job is safe... for now.


The worst part?......


.....I'm pretty sure she gets paid more than I. Sick and wrong.

But... Why So Venty?

While I am all for venting about random things (and you will also see instances of that on this blog), I seem to have the most subject matter from people. OMG... almost too much subject matter, actually.

Has conversation with someone ever caused you to desire banging your head repeatedly against the nearest solid object? Maybe even watching some dumbass on the news, misrepresenting a good political issue as something different, or just a moment in Walmart customer service has inspired internal screaming. Not like it's ever happened to me, of course... noooo... neverrrrr....

I've found it's healthier to vent in a controlled, humorous environment than annoy others who just don't get it. Once the venting is complete, hopefully the next step is to either find a solution to what brought about the venty moment, or to laugh off the idiocy. Why stay angry, right?

The hardest part of experiencing a moment worth of ventiness is when you cannot change the behavior of whoever caused it. That leads to another option: learning to accept that you cannot change things outside your control. Even if you were to master hypnosis in an attempt to change perceptions of the dense, it will never, EVER fix issues of IQ.

That would require a specifically-located brain tumor, a la Phenomenon. We should be so lucky.